you give...

"but you never seem to get back in return...but you give..."

sometimes i feel I've given all that I could to my current job and still I feel stuck. No appreciation. Nothing shown in return that I'm worthy of actually staying.
i hope I'll get out of this soon enough.

And I keep on moving

Perhaps ending my friendship with Summer has brought me to a place in my life where I don't feel so afraid of what's to come tomorrow. I was tired of the mental abuse I took from her for the past 4 1/2 years. I can honestly say that I am in a better place emotionally, although still struggling with my vices just as any human on earth does.
This chastity proposal I have taken on upon my own soul is kicking my butt. It's not so much the part where I do not share flesh with another human being (particularly of the male species), but the whole pleasuring myself business. I guess it goes hand in hand. To dwell into the lust of someone else's flesh who may not be physically next to you (or ON you) does wonders to your soul and may now actually give you the benefits that you desire. My friends think I'm completely crazy with this new project I've schemed up for myself. Honestly, I'm doing it for God and myself. I do not exactly know how long we have here on earth, so in case of the Messiah's return I don't want to be caught doing something that will keep me from going where I should be going.
Perhaps soon I shall feel a lot more better. Medication, prayer, therapy, friendships both new and old will keep me grounded and enjoying my time here.

I truly believe losing my friendship with Summer is a bit different than when I lost mine with Sharina. One thing they both possessed was an assumption that there was no hope for me as an individual. That any attempts to change and become better at living would all be in vain and that it wouldn't exactly work out, being the person I once was. But I have gained a tremendous degree of maturity since the demise of my friendship with Sharina. Life is a learning experience, and as angry as I'll always be at her and Raheem, I know it will only ease more and more as the days go on. God will places more people who will show me the fruit I shall learn from in these trying years.


Still no word from Planet Beauty *sigh*

sure as all that breathe will die...

most good things come to an end. and it isn't so much that my friendship with summer has ended completely, because she has a lot of growing to do as far as being a person HERE ON EARTH. she has a lot of growing up to do in general. i don't think i'm completely finished with her. as jasmine told me, i shouldn't completely exclude her from my life. it's almost de ja vu because i went through this with sharina, but i didn't have a snake of a woman in my ear telling me lies about my bestfriend to break us apart. maybe this is God intervening and telling me that it's time to move on. i'm partly relieved. maybe this will teach me to learn the quiet moments by myself. i have an appointment this friday. maybe i'll gain some insight and healing from this.

"you're an artist"

and that's all he had to say. i've spent so long running away from what matters in life and chasing after what doesn't. i'm focusing on God and my art more. i'm no longer running away from the path that wasn;'t paved for me to begin with.

i can only pray that i'll get this new job. It seems like a dream one, with complete freedom. I can't wait.

Summer's still ignoring me it seems. and it only makes it more sickening that today is valentine's day and she's spending all her time with raheem. and then they're going to san juan capistrano tomorrow to view the missions. I would have loved to go, but even if i could, i can only wonder was she sincere in her answer when i asked if i could follow along. this whole weekend is set aside for her and raheem it seems. as if everyday they're not together isn't a valentine's day for them. it's sickening. i think the old me would be paranoid, upset, crying, and depressed at this point of the game. but recently, my emotions have been under control as i'm learning from Dr. Gomberg how to identify and put them under control.

it's time to create something.

do we set ourselves up for failure when failure is actually destined to happen?
we struggle against the grips of it and get tangled in net of confusion
it brings us to the surface as we gasp for breath because we're suffocating for the truths
of what really happens
and who's really there
i have only succumbed to the "truths" of what was said to me without
finding out for myself because i was too busy trying to find happiness
but you cannot find happiness delivered to you in a glass bottle labeled "TRUTH"
so i set myself up for failure in hopes that more truths would come out and purposely beat me down
cut me to the core and expose all the secrets that bind me to my place of solitude and comfort
there is no refuge in sleeping when the Word is on your nightstand
and tells you of your wrongs and tells you how much He loves you
selah...
and it begins
that I have not found much security in the arms of another human the way I found them
in Him
always looking out for me, counting my steps, guiding me through...them
and somehow...He recognizes all the failures and speaks the truth into my heart
allowing me to see how stupid I was
in my conquest for equality and love
I do not believe I shall stumble across this truth until death comes and snatches my breath from me
no matter the circumstances
perhaps in a deep sleep of dreams I'll never remember
and look down upon the souls that cast me aside as someone not worth their time
immersed in their own truths and dreams
oh, those annoying dreams.
somehow I need to find peace of mind within Him and only Him
completing the circle of life and ending back at me
the big picture
someone who can walk with their head high
and look death in the face and say it was all worth it
the ride was rough but I've come to my stop
and this is where my journey has ended.

why oh why

it seems like a vicious cycle with me and summer. There's always a certain time of year when she seems to disappear or not have time for me anymore. I hate to be that whiney person who feels as though they constantly need attention by the few friends that they possess. But I can't help but notice how distant she has become these past few days. Perhaps it's Raheem and his ever growing need for her attention, sex, and food. I hate the feeling of being tossed aside for the sake of her wanting to be around him when he's constantly there. everyday. every single day.
I ask God how she's able to keep loving him. Through all of his burping, farting, smelly armpits...thats the reason I left Eugene way back in the day.

so far school is going quite well. I have some pretty relaxing classes with cool teachers. Although, I'm not quite sure about my art class. I'm afraid this teacher's going to be an asshole and display his talent of BEING an asshole infront of the class by giving my artwork asshole-ish critiques. Most art teachers do. I don't know why. I can never impress them.

anger.

it's always been an issue of mine and only progressed more and more as i've gotten older. this thing called anger seems to overtake my every day existence and i don't know how to get it under control. i feel as though i have so many things going on as it is, that this whole anger issues business only brings me down worse. i do not know how to handle it.

school starts tomorrow. maybe that'll get my mind off of all of this. this anxious feeling and what not. always being on gaurd, always feeling angry at everyone for no reason. i need to read my book and get some rest for tomorrow.