my guilty heart behaved so foolishly.

i know it may not be God's plan for me, but what is it with men and myself? why is it that they all possess the same amount of immaturity no matter what age they are? i don't know exactly when i'll be able to trust someone fully the way i once thought i could. i miss marvin like crazy. i wish he'd come back. it's hard to feel as though i don't love him as much as i love God. God is great and will only save me from myself but...i just need marvin back.

God is great. God is beautiful and love.

let's go...

I woke up this morning with pain in my heart for someone from my past who I feel deserved better than what i put them through. I don't know if contacting them the way I did in my dream would help matters or just make them worse. I miss him terribly.

After watching documentaries on Sundance, I felt a need to want to leave America and go to the Holy Land...or just the Middle East in general. My uncle was tired of America, converted to Islam and is now living happily in Morrocco. I want to live a simple Christian life in that way. In a city where people just don't care with the hustle and bustle of the American life. I honestly feel that, although there are extremists out there who cause bodily harm, there are extremists here who cause psychological harm.

My escape from Summer was long overdue.

rainbows.

"you must face the storm with the sun behind you in order to see the rainbow"


life is a daily walk. it doesn't matter if you believe or you don't believe. it's something that needs to keep us going. It's been about 2 weeks not since summer and i have cut ties. i still carry the anger everyday from her harsh words and pray to God that he'll change her mindframe and her way of thinking. to keep her from judging people all the time and just LET IT BE. maybe it's the prozac talking, i dunno. i just know, my mind is changing and it's all for the better. there's always going to be rainy days for me, and that's just life i suppose. it wont keep me from doing what needs to be done and what God has planned for me. i'm thankful for what i have, although it isn't much, it's still mine. and no one can take that from me.

you give...

"but you never seem to get back in return...but you give..."

sometimes i feel I've given all that I could to my current job and still I feel stuck. No appreciation. Nothing shown in return that I'm worthy of actually staying.
i hope I'll get out of this soon enough.

And I keep on moving

Perhaps ending my friendship with Summer has brought me to a place in my life where I don't feel so afraid of what's to come tomorrow. I was tired of the mental abuse I took from her for the past 4 1/2 years. I can honestly say that I am in a better place emotionally, although still struggling with my vices just as any human on earth does.
This chastity proposal I have taken on upon my own soul is kicking my butt. It's not so much the part where I do not share flesh with another human being (particularly of the male species), but the whole pleasuring myself business. I guess it goes hand in hand. To dwell into the lust of someone else's flesh who may not be physically next to you (or ON you) does wonders to your soul and may now actually give you the benefits that you desire. My friends think I'm completely crazy with this new project I've schemed up for myself. Honestly, I'm doing it for God and myself. I do not exactly know how long we have here on earth, so in case of the Messiah's return I don't want to be caught doing something that will keep me from going where I should be going.
Perhaps soon I shall feel a lot more better. Medication, prayer, therapy, friendships both new and old will keep me grounded and enjoying my time here.

I truly believe losing my friendship with Summer is a bit different than when I lost mine with Sharina. One thing they both possessed was an assumption that there was no hope for me as an individual. That any attempts to change and become better at living would all be in vain and that it wouldn't exactly work out, being the person I once was. But I have gained a tremendous degree of maturity since the demise of my friendship with Sharina. Life is a learning experience, and as angry as I'll always be at her and Raheem, I know it will only ease more and more as the days go on. God will places more people who will show me the fruit I shall learn from in these trying years.


Still no word from Planet Beauty *sigh*

sure as all that breathe will die...

most good things come to an end. and it isn't so much that my friendship with summer has ended completely, because she has a lot of growing to do as far as being a person HERE ON EARTH. she has a lot of growing up to do in general. i don't think i'm completely finished with her. as jasmine told me, i shouldn't completely exclude her from my life. it's almost de ja vu because i went through this with sharina, but i didn't have a snake of a woman in my ear telling me lies about my bestfriend to break us apart. maybe this is God intervening and telling me that it's time to move on. i'm partly relieved. maybe this will teach me to learn the quiet moments by myself. i have an appointment this friday. maybe i'll gain some insight and healing from this.

"you're an artist"

and that's all he had to say. i've spent so long running away from what matters in life and chasing after what doesn't. i'm focusing on God and my art more. i'm no longer running away from the path that wasn;'t paved for me to begin with.

i can only pray that i'll get this new job. It seems like a dream one, with complete freedom. I can't wait.

Summer's still ignoring me it seems. and it only makes it more sickening that today is valentine's day and she's spending all her time with raheem. and then they're going to san juan capistrano tomorrow to view the missions. I would have loved to go, but even if i could, i can only wonder was she sincere in her answer when i asked if i could follow along. this whole weekend is set aside for her and raheem it seems. as if everyday they're not together isn't a valentine's day for them. it's sickening. i think the old me would be paranoid, upset, crying, and depressed at this point of the game. but recently, my emotions have been under control as i'm learning from Dr. Gomberg how to identify and put them under control.

it's time to create something.